“ArtSnobs, You Ain’t Sh*t!” PLUS: Three Deadpool-Approved Artists

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Mini Assignment #2

Listen up, you brown-nosing art kids! That’s right. It’s your friendly neighborhood nightmare, Deadpool, here to offer up some warm and fuzzy suggestions as to HOW TO GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE and STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF. ‘Cause Leigh here fancies herself some kinda “professional” and she skirts around the damn point. (Calm down, you’re never gonna be Annie Leibovitz!)

Anywhoodie, I heard ya wanna stop being fake af. Any self-respecting person would already know the following, which is why you desperately need to ram this down your ear holes:

  • STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THIRD PERSON. Only Deadpool is allowed to do that. You just seem desperate.
  • Those apparel brands aren’t indie anymore. Supreme and Stussy are practically household names. Punk is dead and it won’t be revived through stubbornly wearing Doc Martins.
  • Smoking cigs is for wimps. Admit it. You only do it for the aesthetic. The world has moved on to bigger and better things. Like ketamine.
  • Selfies in a spit-stained mirror are reaaaaaally cute… If you’re trying to entice someone to spray a different body fluid all over you. (I volunteer as tribute!)
  • Trash on a plinth is just trash on a plinth. Painting a toilet seat is not provocative. (Cute that you fantasize about the day someone will one day give enough of a shit to spend thousands just to buy what you’ve literally shat on.) The last time this tactic was cool was literally over a hundred years ago. I could go on, but this really says it all:
Title: "Cleaning Lady Threw Away Expensive Modern Art She Mistook For Trash". Photo of two collaged garbage cans, caption states: "A cleaning woman at a Spanish gallery accidentally threw away thousands of dollars of art by New York Modernist Paul Branca when she mistook his crumpled newspaper, cardboard, and cookie installation scattered across the floor for garden-variety trash." Comments read: My Hero. I was worried that the Cleaner might have lost her job over this, but apparently the company that employs her stood up for her and said she was just doing her job; now I can comfortably lol. god bless you lady cause these white ppl out of hand. If modern art is supposed to challenge the viewer by posing the question, "What is art, really?", it needs to be prepared for viewers to answer that question. Art: what is art, really? Cleaning Lady: Not this.

Humanity deserves better than that, even from you paint-sniffing ne’erdowells…

So! Now that you darling little turds know what not to do, here’s are three artists that I’d 100% murder someone for:

“Klein’s Pot A” (1994-97) by Takashi Murakami. Acrylic on canvas.
Black capital letters over green background. Text reads: "The most exquisite pleasure is//Domination. Nothing can compare//With the feeling. The mental// Sensations are even batter than// The physical ones. Knowing you// Have power has to be the biggest// High, the greatest comfort.// It is complete security,// Protection from hurt. When// You dominate somebody you're// Doing him a favor. He prays// Someone will control him, take// His mind off his troubles, you're// Helping him while helping// Yourself. Even when you get// Mean he likes it. Sometimes// He's angry and fights back but// You can handle it. He always// Remembers what he needs. You// Always get what you want.
untitled by Jenny Holzer, from Inflammatory Essays series (1979-82).
Untitled by satirical young artist Ben Evans.

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